Ambien. No doubt about it.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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