I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
