I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
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I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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