thus making me awesome and them whores
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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