I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
