so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
