I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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