I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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