if you like me you must not know who I am
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
