and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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