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Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
