so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
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I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
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I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Never joke about your clitoris.
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