Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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