Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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