You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.