i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.