Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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