Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Enjoy the penises
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
