birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
