I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
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scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
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I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.