so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
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While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator