so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
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He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
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Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.