naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
