I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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