your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
