Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
