Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
40s are totally the cure
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
