I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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