Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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