...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
