3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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