Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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