my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
In America we eat man semen.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
