Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm passing your future prison.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
