Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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