He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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