I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
