I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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