Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
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I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
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dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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