Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
