I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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