During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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