Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
