I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
