dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
