I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
