I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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