you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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