you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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