is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
