It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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