before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
