just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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