dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
