Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The adults are the big ones right?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
