I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
