we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
