My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
