the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
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