theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
