you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
